conversations

will you come calling today
I asked my breath in hushed whisper?

why do you doubt she asked
examining her perfect nails
tossing back her lustrous mane
flicking off the invisible lint
straightening the already smooth kurta?

recalling the restless night
the tossing and turning
the burnt out candles
the tissue strewn floor
gazing out to an unseen scene
with the ghost of smile playing on my lips, I said
'it would be ok if you couldn't, you know
it really wouldn't matter if you couldn't'.

Depression, or not

Depression is not kind, depression makes a mockery of you being alive, depression makes you wonder why you are alive but you are too apathetic to do something about your being called alive.

'Depression' has become a badge of honor these days.

Sucks to say this but the fact is that a large percentage of population who call their condition as depression are not really depressed. They may be feeling whole bunch of things that depressed people actually feel but it still is not depression.

Those of you who are taking umbrage at this, you are not depressed. If you were, you would not care who called you depressed or called you not-depressed. Accepting this will help you look for the real problems. What is it that is setting this feeling that you feel? Look for it. You will think you have the answer and you will need to find solutions for the problem. And then BAM, you are still struggling. So you repeat the process, look for problem, decide possible solutions and perhaps resolve a part of it.

It is a thankless process because no one knows or understands that you are actively working on the problem(s). On the outside, there might not be many changes or they think you are faking changes. Bugger. You want them to accept that you are making a difference, that you think you are doing better and to be supportive. They may even say words of support but you can't feel honesty in them.

Now is the most crucial part – you need to forget them and see what is best for you. Their skepticism, their calling your names, their indifference should not make you waver in your resolve to get out of the pit you are in. Your life is for you. If others can be part of you, that is great. But at the end of the day, you need to be able to think about yourself with pride.

This has been my journey. Be kind. If you can't be kind, trust me I will still be kind to you. I know how much I yearned for kindness and support. I will always give it to you, no matter what.

Aim of life - Part 1

Today, after responding to a tweet by Karthik Srinivasan (@beastoftraal), I realized a truth. I want to create pleasant situations in life and for that all I need to do is to be compassionate, supportive, accepting, caring person. 

The conversation between Karthik and me might give you some idea where I am coming from:
https://twitter.com/asmita/status/480899500362309632 

and this https://twitter.com/asmita/status/480899855573721088

Writing in the sand

I remember the time

when I wrote your name in the sand.

They said, it will be washed away

if I just let it be.

I let it be, but not the sand.

It carries my heart

my tears, my laughter.

It carries the moments

when we held hands,

the times when I made tea

we loved to drink together.

The sand, the air,

the sunlight, the phone line

carry the conversations

not yet buried.

And so, I can't let it be. Not yet.  

Self Indulgent Pain

will I see tomorrow

bright and shiny

and painless

crushed spirit

at every step

when pain recedes in background

and shame

takes the centrestage

shame in the limp

shame in the slow gait

shame in bloated body

nights 

they don't let it up

their vice-like grip

crushes bones

and the muscles

and the hope

of a bright and shiny and painless tomorrow

Truths

Some things are so true and alive within that your thoughts, conditioning, societal attitude cannot hide them from your consciousness. These things, sometimes wrapped and packed away at your insistence, come out in open to tell you that it is ok to accept them as they are. 

They do not need your judgement or demand any action. They just stay untainted by anything - clean, crisp, shiny, noble.

It feels good to know this and accept it.

There is no struggle now.

Nor are there any questions about it either.

Warlord of Israel

One millimeter at a time

blood spreads

on the floor

on shirts, on streets, on humanity

mingling with laughter, 

joy of victory

satisfaction at killings.

Unknowing

of my own death.