Untitled
Work in progress but comments invited....
I sit here with friends
not lonely yet alone
waiting for your footfall,
and that whiff
of your rum soaked laugh.
My fears hold me bound.
The heat of the wet earth
wraps me in its embrace
and I slowly lose myself in you.
IInd version
I sit here with friends
not lonely yet alone
waiting for your footfall
and that whiff of rum soaked laugh
I hear the winds whispering
they carry tales galore
will I manage to touch you
and become a beckoning flame
My fears hold me bound
heat of wet earth wraps me too
your embrace is all I want
to slowly lose myself in you
I sit here with friends
not lonely yet alone
waiting for your footfall,
and that whiff
of your rum soaked laugh.
My fears hold me bound.
The heat of the wet earth
wraps me in its embrace
and I slowly lose myself in you.
IInd version
I sit here with friends
not lonely yet alone
waiting for your footfall
and that whiff of rum soaked laugh
I hear the winds whispering
they carry tales galore
will I manage to touch you
and become a beckoning flame
My fears hold me bound
heat of wet earth wraps me too
your embrace is all I want
to slowly lose myself in you
blogged by Asmita at 2:15 pm
1 Comments:
Asmita--
like it.
Might you consider the final line
without the "and"? Just a thought.
"not lonely yet alone" is
a particularly lovely line.
This may simply be my own sensibility, and possibly I've discussed this with you in past(? -- older Caferati discssions are a bit of a blur); but if this were my own poem, I'd find it stronger like this w/o punctuation,
and made into 2 symmetrical [4-line] stanzas. I now see also why the "and" is good in the last line, as it connects with the "and" in the 1st stanza, btw):
I sit here with friends
not lonely yet alone
waiting for your footfall
& that whiff of your rum-soaked laugh
My fears hold me bound
the heat of the wet earth
wraps me in its embrace
and I slowly lose myself in you<
or else it can be done as 4 couplets:
I sit here with friends
not lonely yet alone
waiting for your footfall
& that whiff of your rum-soaked laugh
my fears hold me bound
the heat of the wet earth
wraps me in its embrace
and I slowly lose myself in you<
For my eyes & sensibility, it works in these ways. But each poet finds her/his own way. So this is just looking at some thoughts about those aspects of the form (not even the word-choice, but the choice of how the word appears on the page).
Having said this, must say you've already developed your approach to line-breaks and stanzas etc., and it's a good approach. As I'm newly seeing your poetry in gathering, I've not taken in its own "rhythms" in the presentation fully yet; so comments like this may be premature. Still, in case of interest, there's those ideas.
cheers,
d.i.
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