Six Months to Live and Laugh

just this morning i was cribbing (damn! there is no other word for it) to a friend about feeling tired of looking for answers in life. i wanted the answers to come to me- i wanted some spoon feeding. and then i read this mail. it made me laugh. it made me laugh because with one swish i suddenly felt free, the load that i claimed i was carrying suddenly disappeared.

umm.. this is how i want to live; with this kind of tongue in cheek perspective.

This is the day I learned that my life is coming to an end, and that's all right. Eighty-eight years is more than most people get.

My daughter and I sat in Dr. Barbara's office. "I have done everything I can for you," she said, kindness in her voice. "Would you like me to contact hospice?" Surprised, I didn't know how to react. The doctor was looking into my eyes, waiting for a sign of understanding. "They can take care of your needs, enabling you to stay home." She paused, and then said, "Do you know about hospice?"

I said, "Yes, I had hospice when Mia's dad died." I was remembering the flurry of activity, almost eight years ago, when a registered nurse and two aides arrived at our home, along with a delivery of a hospital bed, bedside potty, a wheelchair, and a walker. In no time at all the bed was standing and made up in the living room, the potty was hidden behind a screen, the wheelchair was out of the line of traffic, and the walker was folded and leaned against a wall. Yes, I was acquainted with hospice.

Mia spoke, "Are you telling me my mother has six months to live?"
The doctor transferred her attention to Mia. "No. We don't say that now." She looked back at me, "You may live months or a year..." I sensed hesitation in her demeanor. I stood, ready to leave; I needed to go home and talk this over with God.

However, before I could go home, I had to keep an appointment made last week with a beautician, a stranger, since retirement had claimed the operator I was in the habit of using. Maybe the hair-do would give me a lift. Yet I felt a strong need to talk about what I thought of as my new status. Until I was better acquainted with it myself, I didn't want to discuss the obvious change in my relationship with Mia; she needed time, too.

Back in the car an unfamiliar silence lay between us. By the time Mia stopped the car to let me out at the beauty shop, I knew what I was going to do. Suddenly I was glad I didn't know the hairdresser.

Her name was Melody. After introductions, I was seated in an adjustable chair, leaned back against a sink, and felt water and shampoo fingered onto my scalp. Then, before I could change my mind, I said, "I've just been told that I'm going to die." Her fingers stilled immediately. She said nothing for a moment, so I added, "I'll have to call in hospice." Then I sat quietly, waiting. When her fingers started working again, I felt the muscles in my neck become tense. What was she going to say?

"Hospice, huh? You're telling me you've got six months to live?" I opened my mouth to speak but didn't have time before she continued. "You can't have six months. That's mine. You can have three months or five or nine, but you can't have six."

For the second time that day, I was too surprised to speak. She finished rinsing my hair and pushed a knob on the chair that allowed me to sit up - and just kept talking... I began to laugh.
"I get lots of free lunches out of that six-month prognosis. My kids treat me great too. The other day my granddaughter said, 'Don't say that, Grandma. It might be bad luck.' I said, 'Well, someday it's going to be true. Then won't you be glad you were nice to me all those years?" I was laughing out loud now, and it felt wonderful.

"I tell anybody who needs to know," she added. "One day I parked in a hard-to-find-space, and a woman in a Mercedes stopped behind my car as I got out. She yelled at me, 'I've been waiting to park there. I had to turn around first.' The teenage boy sitting in the passenger seat looked embarrassed - as well he should. I told her, 'You want this parking place? Okay. You can have it. I've got six months to live, so a parking place is the least of my worries. I'll just get in my car and pull out. You can have it.' The teenager said, 'M-o-m-m-m?' and the lady left without further chatter. It comes in handy, you know?" I continued to laugh.

Only God has the wisdom and the knowledge to choreograph that particular afternoon in my life, with all the right people in all the right places at the right time. As I got ready to go home, I faced the back of the shop where Melody was shampooing her next client and talking a mile a minute. Smiling, I said in my head, "Thank you, God."

On occasion, when I sense a dark mood hovering around, waiting to pounce, I think of Melody and laugh. Oh, I'm still going to die, but I won't die in six months. I wouldn't dare!

Just like that...

I

Dreams in her eyes
ensnared my breath
to leave me keeling,
at edge of faith.



II

Shining edge of knife
sing songs of allure.
TIme for another risk
her wrist instead of the heart!

One spoonful at a time

Gently you wake me again tonight
waiting for me to kick off
warm blankets of comfort.
You have been patient
feeding me your elixir
one spoonful at a time.

In the past I have seen through your antics
ripped off your mask
to banish you everytime.
Yet you return quietly, in another garb -
using friends to hide behind
sliding in while I was dazzled by fair lights
stealing the rooms reserved for my dreams
to feed me your elixir
one spoonful at a time.

You have been waiting, plotting
to hold me once more
as I play the game of living
with you my shadow telling me
it's alright to live with you,
to live with fear.

And you continue to feed me your elixir
one spoonful at a time.

Bombay Blasts

Today is the 5th day after the blast. A lot has happened since then. Night of 11th passed when people came out providing succor to those who were left stranded in the streets. They distributed food and water, opened up their homes, offices, colleges for people to rest in, queued to donate blood, provided help to those who were making rounds of the hospitals/railway stations to find information about their loved one. In the hour of crisis, they did what came naturally – acted in a humane way.

The next morning people were back to work, kids were back to school and the markets, the streets, the railway of Mumbai was back in business. A display of the 'never say die' spirit of Mumbaikars? Or was it simply that there is no other way of being? Work had to be done, money had to be earned, classes had to be attended – and one needed to travel to accomplish all this. So they were back to the crime spot, taking the very trains in which a few hundred had lost lives just a few hours ago. They clamped their mouth shut to prevent any screams from shattering the bauble of normalcy at display. And they calmed their fears, hoping to reach home safely and live another day.

Along came TV channels and their psychedelic interviews with people from all walks of life. Numerous forums sprung up condemning the act of terrorism, the terrorists in general, the dictators who unleashed mayhem to make a point, the leaders who thought they knew what was right and what was wrong and pushed countries to war. A lot of words have been generated; a lot of heat has been built up – BUT TO WHAT GOOD?

Will things change by carping about them? Will they change by holding others to blame? Will our leaders become responsible by creating a noise about their acts of irresponsibility? I don't think so. If we are really serious about wanting to see a change in the current scenario, if things have to change then we need to become part of the process that brings about change. We need to become active and create a country that we would like to live in. We need to define such an India and then see what we can do to make sure that it becomes so. Rather than raging, I'd rather be part of a group that gets down to making a difference in this lifetime.

Enough of waiting for me. I have dreams. I want to see India which is generous, strong, ambitious, humble, full of vitality, spiritual, responsible to it's citizens, the world and the universe; India which has a responsible leadership that it's citizens and world looks up to; India where people dream beautiful dreams and find support to make these dreams become reality; India which uses it's strength with discretion and intelligence; India which has faith in itself and inspires the same faith in others. I'd rather spend my energy creating a brilliant shinning India. Utopian dreams? Till they aren't achieved they might appear so to a few but they can be achieved or at least I can work towards making it come true.

And if we are not ready to take the responsibility to bring about a change, if we are not ready to act so that we create living conditions to our liking, it's time to keep our mouth shut! Either we learn this time and act or accept that someone or the other would kick us where it hurts - again and again.

Well, I am going to make this dream come true. I am going to create an India that I want to live in!

Self image

Passing by a mirror
I saw my reflection.
You were smiling back.

missing muse

Rustle of sheets
drag my eyes over to
stark, white, blankness.
Reminding, yet again,
of broken promises
and your flight.

Won’t you return, my love,
just for a little while?

Don't shoot me

Ok...now don't roll your eyes. This is just to remind myself that it is quite possible to say "I love you" to people who I care about. If these young people can do it, if they can understand what love is then I, with the vast amount of maturity I profess to possess, should be doing it better or at least as good...

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.

See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
- Rebecca, age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
- Billy, age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
- Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
- Chrissy - age 6

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."
- Samantha - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
- Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
- Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."
- Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
- Bobby - age 5

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."
- Nikka - age 6

"Love is hugging, Love is kissing, Love is saying no"
- Patty - age 8

"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."
- Matthew - age 7

"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."
- Jenny - age 4

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
- Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
-Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
- Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
- Clare - Age 5

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
- Elaine - age 5

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
- Chris - age 8

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
- Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
- Lauren - age - 4

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
- Bethany - age 4

"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."
- Mike - age 8

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
- Karen - age 7

"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
- Ma rk - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
- Jessica - age 8

"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
- Charlie - age 5