I have to write

Why does fear come up again and again? It reveals itself, in it's many hues, to remind that the limitations, the blockages, the barriers in life are the same thing - just the veil that it is covered in, the make up that it has donned makes it appear different every time. In moments of connection (is that what it is?) I recognise that it is nothing but lack of faith, the non-acceptance that stops me from living life to hilt, from feeling ok/happy.

Big words; convoluted ideas; and yet that's been the experience.

And the icing - when I live in the acceptance mode - acceptance of myself, my feelings, my likes, dislikes, of people as they are, of their actions, of my expectations and recognition of the fact that they are mere expectations and not life's duty to fulfill them, of desires, of fears, of the baseless ness of these fears, of unexpectedness in life - suddenly am ok, am ok with everyone, am ok with everything, and amazing grace seems to flow. I feel light, the smile dances on my lips, the laughter bubbles in my eyes, the heart feels gentle, people feel gentle, the attitude of being there for everyone automatically happens and I feel as if I am ready to tackle anything and nothing less than best would do for me. It was in one such instance that I realised that I wanted to write. Write so that even I would be blown over by the words. Now I understand what Kabir's doha means "aisi vaani boliye, mann kaa aapa khoye; auran ko seetal kare, aapahun seetal hoye".

I have to write and I have to write so that one day I can experience that emotion - of the writing being just right...