Then 'n now

Your words,
hurt now.
Once they lighted my life.

Living

Afraid to wake up
to a world here and now
Are dreams really better?

Perceptions

#1

Entangled emotions

paint a reality

so different from truth!

#2

Framed view
looks gorgeous.
Unframed, just perfect!

Search

Layers
of lies
hidden below,
the righteous me!

Open
the eyes
throw off
deceptions
screams,the drowning me!

Feigning
tiredness
avoiding responsibility
I cling to
lethargic me !

Finally
submit
the voice
compels
I look for
Me...

Journey within?

Can I care for the world without demands? Can I ever be so complete within myself that I don’t feel the need to demand time, space or anything else for myself?

That my own being is so completely fulfilled, that I find it easy to just do my best for others.

That, I am aware that all my actions are for myself and thus do not feel the need to demand anything from anyone.

That, I accept that I am an integral part of the universe and every circumstance of my life is a part of the synchronized movements of this world. So no questions are asked, no complaints are registered for whatever I get.

Can it ever happen? Does it ever happen? Or is it mere hallucinations of overworked mind?

Will I ever love without expecting to be loved in return? Will I ever give without expecting? Expectations could be in any form- be it appreciation, gratitude, or being taken care of in the same way.

Numerous games I have played with myself! So many layers of deception I have donned. More I recognize them and peel them off, deeper seems to be the truth buried within!! They say it’s a journey to the truth. But am I even moving? Every step that I think I have taken forward seems to mock me as if to say ‘Who are you fooling?’. It would be so wonderful to stop thinking, to stop wondering, to just be – who cares if I play games of deception with myself; who cares if ever reach that truth or not?

But then its my life and something prods me to go for it – why, how, where, I don’t know. Bottom line is I Do Care!

Snap shot….

What is it that I care for?

People, meeting me for the first time, inevitably ask this or something similar to this. What do I do? What are my hobbies?

… and I am always at a loss to answer them.

I seem to do a lot of things that most people seem to be doing. But…do I really care for it? Or is it just my choice of activity, for the moment? Would it bother me if I didn’t do it? The answer doesn’t seem very encouraging.

I feel at a loss. I mean, I enjoy these activities but don’t really find my life depending on them. I don’t feel a sense of achievement after doing them. They have their enjoyment factor and feel good factor but nothing that would reduce the quality of my life if I didn’t get a chance to do them.

Its not that I haven’t dabbled in different kind of things. I have picked up different fields of activities too. Worked at it, enjoyed it and then left it behind. Why? Am I a loser? Am I fearful of finding out that I cannot reach the zenith and so leave things midway? Do I even care to reach the top? Isn’t the journey itself supposed to give me a high if it is the journey that I really want to take?

And this brings me to “what is it THAT I really want to do, that I need to do” in my life? Will I ever find that one specific thing that will give me the feeling that the reason for my existence has been achieved. Does such a thing even exist? Or am I just wasting my time thinking inane things….

Lost…. as ever!!! Bidding my time till I find my answers…..